user's guide to hawaii -- pt. 2 in an ongoing if intermittent series

This one is kind of mellow, because it's the weekend.

1. Walking is a *wonderful* thing to do in Honolulu, and you will see lots of highly interesting details you wouldn't notice in a car. Honolulu is a very safe place. Just avoid Aala Park (downtown, across the river from the Sun Yat Sen statue) after dark. Don't be afraid to try different little strange-looking food shops, because there are a lot of them and most of them serve very good cooking.

2. Don't miss the Judiciary History Center in the Supreme Court building (a 19th-century former palace with gorgeous marble floors). It's on the ground floor to the left as you enter, and it has *wonderful* displays about the history of Honolulu, as well as a lovingly-crafted N-scale model of early 19th-century downtown. Sometimes, there will be a docent--a highly- knowledgable and friendly volunteer--stationed at the door, and this person will be delighted to share lots of interesting details about Oahu's history, and its legal system, with you. If you run into George Wyman, tell him that Grace who used to work at VIPS (pronounced "vips") sent you and said to show you a Good Time.

3. A shopping trip to Chinatown (should be China-Viet-Laos- Thai-town) is de rigueur in order to immerse yourself in local culture. Especially the labyrinthine indoor produce, fish, and meat markets. Though you might want to skip the experience if you don't like hot humidity, crowds, or loud, sudden noises. Or high-pitched yelling and screaming. (If you need a break, the Golden Palace restaurant, behind the huge red and gold dragon pillars on King Street, is a local favorite-- From 11:00am to 2:00pm all the dim sum (little plates of various Chinese food) are $1.50 each. Three or four plates make a great meal for two people.) The other half of this shopping experience is Shirokiya, the Japanese department store in the Ala Moana Center. Take the escalator up to the second floor to check out all the Japanese culinary delicacies. And Daiei, the Japanese mega-supermarket a couple of blocks mauka (inland) from the Ala Moana Center. A more plebian but more extensive exposition of Japanese staples. As well as delicious produce, baked goods, and more familiar American stuff. They have a corner of $1 aisles full of unbelievably surreal oddities. All for $1 each.

Okay, now for the laconic humor:

4. The guy downtown who asks you for "95 cents for a long distance call to Baltimore!" has been calling Baltimore long distance for at least 15 years. (I've heard rumors that lately his rate has gone up to $1.10.)

the tusk picture

Ohne Titel (Untitled), by Neo Rauch, 1996. Silkscreen 40x60cm.

This is here because Ol'Hoss mentioned powdered rhino horn and ibex horn a few posts back.

To me, it clearly looks like two guys bandsawing elephant tusks and feeling uneasy about it. (Actually, the guy in the foreground appears to have two bodies. Or maybe he's two guys.)

Or is it a castration allegory?

Other thoughts...?

A Brief User's Guide To Hawaii

It's selective, because it's based upon personal experience. :-)

FEMALE:

1. If you buy a new bikini with littler cups, put sunscreen on those white parts, sweetheart, unless you ~really~ want to live through The Revenge of the Sunburned Tit.

2. If you go alone to sunbathe on Sunset Beach, be aware that no matter how lonely a spot you choose when you arrive, by the time you leave there will be 60 idiots watching you from under the palm trees. Gauge behavior/motions/leg spread accordingly.

3. If you're in Honolulu alone near the beach, on any walkway that is asphalt or concrete, be *sure* to smile at all the kids with skateboards and BMX bikes. They *will* do stunts just for you, and it's really cool to see an unrehearsed 411VM video.

MALE:

1. Don't go to Queen's Beach (between the Aquarium and the Zoo, and the name is not a pun) unless you like to pick up other guys.

2. If you're Japanese, don't necessarily believe that those friendly Japanese-speaking girls in cars are *really* exchange students just looking for a face from home.

3. Don't EVER say "kefe" (KEH feh) to a Samoan. Just DON'T.

I'll add more as I think of them. There are uku bazillions.

the horse latitudes

Well...the most exciting thing that's happened to me today is suddenly realizing that I need to decide if I want to download "Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional from iTunes.

As usual, it's sunny and warm out. The ocean is blue. The palm trees are nodding. The buildings are shimmering ethereally. Diamond Head is ruminating. My boss's office has one of the finest views on the island of Tennis Courts (surf break off Ala Moana Beach Park), and it's going off at 3'-5', glossy, for any of you locals who pau hana (finished with work).

I'm pretty happy being in a state of tropical indolence. For excitement, there's always Viva la Bam! Seasons 2 and 3 on DVD. Interesting shift in Bam's aesthetics when he switched from driving a Camaro to a Hummer. Probably a good move.

a terrific evening

First it was sitting in the pale sand on Kailua Beach Park, watching the sunset and the wind-driven manganese-green-blue pastel Monet waves in the warm twilight, then it was eating a *fantastic* dinner at Buzz's across the street, savage flaming Tiki torches and loud, friendly, hot local crowds celebrating, and then it was speeding back home up over the rainy, lush dark mystery crag pass where the deep tropical trees lowered like galaxies above the highway and then the lights of Honolulu appeared... wicked sharp skyscrapers and hunkering reclusive Oriental neighborhoods... new cosmos of psychedelic, quirky--or even deviant--lodgers floating in the black, humid night, another series of scenes in one's ongoing, incredibly inspired imagination...

Yea!! or, The Tide Has Turned

The stolen psychedelic clams have been returned to the Waikiki Aquarium.


"Cold but otherwise healthy," they were found in a Tupperware container of sea water and gravel in the Aquarium's SeaVision Theatre. Due to the frequency of security checks, it's thought the clams had been left there about an hour before being discovered.

All 44 of the psychedelic clams will go back on display next month in the low tank outside where they originally lived. The new beefed-up security--$5000 to $7000--includes a fence and motion detectors. That an innocent clam cannot syphon plankton in peace is a sad comment on our society. It mocks the phrase, "Happy as a clam."

It's wonderful that whoever took them brought them back! :-)

Sin City

First off, if you don't have a VERY high tolerance for lopped-off body parts, mouths full of blood, and heads jammed into toilets, do NOT see this movie. Yes, it was directed by Robert Rodriguez (Once Upon a Time in Mexico) with Quentin Tarantino guesting, so why am I even mentioning this?

Second, the film is bleeding gorgeous. It's filmed in black-and-white with color accents using live actors, but the effect is outstandingly like watching an old 40s pulp comic unfold before your eyes. It's like a dreamy cartoon to noir all noir. The acting is spectacular. The dialogue is often excellent and hysterically funny. There is a CGI cliff highway leading out of Sin City that is like riding a roller coaster. The sight of real 50s cars leaping over hills and bouncing down like The Latest Goon eluding Dick Tracy will leave you in stitches.

Okay, if you *really* like noir, you obviously don't give a shit about nice things like dreamy effects and bouncing cars. So here's the downer:

The really sad part about all of this is that the only philosophical message the film appears to make is that the world is Sin City, the protagonist must endure endless gunshot wounds and broken noses and other difficulties in protecting the innocent or avenging the murdered, and even then at the end he will probably be called upon to sacrifice himself. This is of course a way old story line. It was decent enough to sustain original noir in pulp novels and comics, but with the stellar artistic direction of this movie, it would have been *so* nice to have had a story that truly made all of this seem funny--if viewed as satire--or leading to more insightful spiritual revelations-- if viewed as continuing the original noir ethos of one good guy fighting and detecting his way through a world of warped degenerates. Instead, it rather gives the effect of the cartoon religious pamphlets people used to leave in launderettes-- You know, "Christ Loves You," or "The Day I Learned What HELL Really Meant."

Only this one's entitled: "Limb Whacking And Explosions Can Save Your Soul. Kind Of." Ick.

:-)

It's truly cool how many people really, really liked the Pope, and how this appears in unexpected ways, like the check-out girl tonight at Safeway who made a point of turning my People magazine around so that the Pope's face showed through the translucent plastic.